I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize