If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
