my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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