turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just want to make out with him forever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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