I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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