there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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