she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
