she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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