My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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