apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
