i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize