you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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