why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
