I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
