So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
