My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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