Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
My cat gives me a boner
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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