Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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