shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
