Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
