My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
