it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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