Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
