Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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