Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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