My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
