Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
