there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize