Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
