I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
