It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
