I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Houston, we have a blender
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
