and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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