70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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