I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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