Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
