my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
