I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize