No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize