I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
