Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize