you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
