saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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