Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize