you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
