The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
