; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
