thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
