Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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