OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
