The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
