my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just puked most of my soul out..
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