my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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