now i know why i became what i already was.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
