He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
