I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
