dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
