I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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