I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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