Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
