FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize